bliss like this

I thought today was going to suck ass like yesterday.
I felt like I was seven yesterday, crying for the lack of pleasing, but I had the nerve to tell him what I thought about him and why I hate him so much sometimes. Finally, he knows what my bouts of spite are all about.

Anyway, about today.
This morning really did suck. In band I was getting frustrated because neither of my reeds would work. By third hour I got some REALLY bad cramps, but at least they weren't the leg cramps I usually get, so I could walk. So by 6/7, Laura gave me her chai tea and I heart her for it. Oh, and in 3rd, (good thing), I turned on my calculator and apparently Janie had typed me a message when I wasnt paying attention. Thanks Janie!

Everything got better from there, though. Laura told me in lit that I'd ranked 3rd in the state for National Spanish Exam, and in Spanish that was confirmed. I'm still radiating. AH! I kick ass! Wooo-hooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I have to oil all of the furniture in here and in the living room, but Mom just called and apparently we're going to take movies back and take some drapery to the dry cleaners. In that case, I must put some clothes on.

Nakedness is fun.

Chao para ahora
aka
Caio for now!

i was just wondering if you'd come along, hold up my head if my head won't hold on

I fear this entry might be a book. I don't know.

I miss the old me. Has anyone else noticed I've gone? I'm not the same. My head is so fucked up, I don't know what to think. I've become more reserved, more aware, and less uninhibited. I miss me. A lot.

I've been so preoccupied with who I am recently. I mean, really? Who the hell am I? How exactly can one go about defining herself? It's so difficult for me but I need the answer. At least a clue.

I'm falling again, I can feel it. I'm being consumed by my thoughts and over-thinking. I think I see myself in ways that other people deny or completely overlook in me. I have more than two dimensions. People say I have great personality, but what exactly does that mean? It's all relative. And is so difficult for me to relate.

I honestly can't find a correlation bewteen these bouts of depression. It's so extreme in a way that I'm not suicidal, but it's the exact opposite. I want to live, but I don't know what to live for. I don't know what to look forward to, and I don't know who do run to. I cry a lot in times like these. And now there's so much. Grandpa's dying. I'm worried about the way things will be after he goes because of Mom. I'm under so much scholastical pressure to please my parents, and I feel guilty if I get anything but an A. So many tears are shed over my father, to whom I cannot give the immaculate daughter. I'm not perfect. I'm no where near it. I try so hard for him, and he doesn't even realize that it's all for him. I do nothing for myself anymore. I feel both selfless and entirely helpless. I cannot budge. I cannot dig myself from this hole. Quicksand. If I try to move, things just get worse.

I don't know who to lean on. I need a constant. For so many people I'm an outlet, and I know how to listen and what to say but saying the right thing and still keeping the truth evident. No one's there for me like that. With some, they don't understand that I'm not trying to have a conversation; they try to compete with me and tell me their similar stories and experiences. Those are for another time. Some people, like my mother, say the wrong things entirely. When I thought a close friend was going to die, she told me not to cry. She said it'd do no good. Some people don't have the protective quality. Some people don't listen well. Some people don't care enough. Some people I don't trust. Some people just flat out don't understand.

I fell in love. Head over heels, whatever. And then my heart was shattered into a million pieces. And now that I'm over him, I'm seeing beauty in so many people, but not him. He is a hideous, hideous person. He manipulated me. He lied to me. And I was there. All for him. And actually, I'm not sure if he lied or not. But he wouldn't have gone and done what he did if he was telling the truth.

I'm clingy. I can't help it. When I find someone who can be a foundation [refere to paragraph before last], I try to reel them in. I don't know why. I dont' know why I just can't be normal and get along by myself. But I find them, I chase them down. I'd probably hogtie them if I could. I need to feel protected. I need to feel safe and unaffected. I'm like an open wound right now, and I need a bandage.

Sure, I have my very fair share of friends. As great and as wonderful as they are, I cannot open up to many of them for some of the qualities that they lack. I love them, I do, and I'm always here for them. I just... I don't know. No one's the perfect fit.

I'm sure I'm boring. You didn't have to read this, and you know it. But thank you. Sorry, but I stil have more to say. Sorry.

I see myself in contradicting lights sometimes, and there's no greymatter. I think I'm smart, but I compare myself to my peers, and I'm not really. I think I'm beautiful, but no one else ever says so. I think I'm witty, but no one ever laughs. I think I'm free-spirited, but people tell me I'm reserved. I think I'm unique, but I'm told I'm just retarded. I hate it when people fuck with me, but I love being manipulative every once in a while. It's horrible I know, but I blame it on the Zodiac. It's justified by Libran characteristics.

I hate talking to people. I absolutely HATE it. If I had a choice, I'd go about my own way and shut up forever and only speak unless spoken to. I hate the sound of my voice. I hate it. It's so... fecious all of the time. It's so unique that it's taunting to me. I don't like talking to people because I care about the words that come out of my mouth. When I begin to talk, it's an endless stream of words and rambling and I find it difficult to shut up. I don't know how ridiculous I sound half of the time. But I know I sound that way. I know I seem idiotic and airheaded and out of it and on some kind of illegal stimulant. My brother makes fun of my laugh. My mom makes fun of the reactive noises I make, such as "psh", "grrrr", or "eh". I'm just so self concious.

I think I have some kind of paranoia or that I watched too much TV as a child because I always think that someone is trying to embarass me or play a cruel joke on me. I'm so gullible sometimes, and people have taken advantage of that before. I hate people who do that. It's cruel, it's just plain cruel. I have trouble trusting people because of this. Well, come to think of it, I really don't. I automatically trust someone until they do something to screw that up.

I don't know. I just do not know. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what to belive or who to trust. I don't know who to follow, who to stray from. I just don't know. And not knowing brings this on, this sadness, because I seem to be the only person in the whole world who's preoccupied with whatever it is I'm preoccupied with. It's like everyone but me is invited to the party. I'm sure you know the feeling. Everyone's been there. I just need the ultimate person. Some one to be there. A best friend. I don't have one. I have close friends, sisters and brothers even. I just have yet to find the right person. And I need that someone so soon.

Something's wrong with me.
That's what I do know.