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Ok, here goes. I need to get this off my chest.
This is not good for me, so you know, but I'm doing it anyway.
I am sorry. I am sorry to anyone for anything I have ever done to wrong them. I'm sorry if I have helped someone while hurting someone else along the way. I am sorry for any ill-spoken words, quarrells, looks, tones, everything. I'm just sorry. And this goes to everyone.
I want a new chance at me. I've totally and completely changed since this time last year, and that scares me. I do not know exactly who I am anymore. I'm having an identity crisis. I think it is so odd how people respond to my playfulness now, as if I'm not supposed to be that way. It's like I'm not allowed to flirt or like boys or be the least bit immature. I keep convincing myself that I don't like me when it's actually it's everyone else I don't like for making me doubt myself.
This has never happened to me before, ever. I have never doubted myself as a person and as an individual. Now, I have no one to share myself with. I have no one that I feel close enough to to talk to and play with and fight with. My friends are becoming stereotypical in my eyes, and I think that is because I am too friendly. It's like a movie. There's the jock and the ditz and the kid who thinks he's black and the don Juan and the nerds and the twin and the list goes on. It's becomming quite claustrophobic.
I don't feel lonely anymore. I don't cry anymore over people that don't deserve to be cried over. There is a part of me that's missing though, and I think that left me when he left me. He stole my energy and radiance and light. And those are the products of my personality. I'm lacking an outcome.
What I need now is the super-friend, for lack of a better term. I've already picked this person out. I just think that this person sees me as another retard teenager. But I need this person because I've already come to depend on the person, and I've become quite attached although this person may not know.
Also, I need my brother (Hi Dom!) I know you read this, it's no secret, so post me some brotherly love sometime, eh? I miss you so much I don't think you could ever know. At Easter, I really was VERY upset with you because you didn't come home. I'd gotten all excited when Mom said that you were coming and then you didn't. It crushed me. I depend on you in so many invisible ways that it's difficult to not see or not hear your voice or not get kicked in the thigh to the ground. I know I'm not yours, but you are my best friend. I love you more than anyone on this entire planet and I don't even know what your favorite color is. I hate being in your room now because it isn't yours now, and I have nothing to remind me of you. Ever since we were little, I always loved Christmas and Easter at Granny's because that gave me a legitimate excuse to sit next to you for more than 20 minutes and talk to you like the dumb fool that I am. I mean it when I tell you to come home. I'm not just joking. And just the other day I confessed to Mom that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you ever moved more than an hour and a half away, because I'd probably never ever see you. Knowing me, I'd probably just follow you where ever you go. I hate how now I actually feel the age difference between the two of us, and it's not like we're just two smart ass little kids anymore. I hate being this only child, I HATE it. It's just so hard for you to be gone when I've known you for 15 years.
Ok, getting on with it...
I can't write anymore. I just can't bring myself to it. It won't come. I feel lost with out my pen and the golden trimmed paper, but there's no map made for getting back after getting lost along the way. I need a medium to express myself with, but I just can't find it. It's so hard.
I've never felt so normal in my life.
I don't want ot be normal.
I hate normal. Really.
I've never been normal and I'm not taking to it.
I have never felt so lost.
This is not good for me, so you know, but I'm doing it anyway.
I am sorry. I am sorry to anyone for anything I have ever done to wrong them. I'm sorry if I have helped someone while hurting someone else along the way. I am sorry for any ill-spoken words, quarrells, looks, tones, everything. I'm just sorry. And this goes to everyone.
I want a new chance at me. I've totally and completely changed since this time last year, and that scares me. I do not know exactly who I am anymore. I'm having an identity crisis. I think it is so odd how people respond to my playfulness now, as if I'm not supposed to be that way. It's like I'm not allowed to flirt or like boys or be the least bit immature. I keep convincing myself that I don't like me when it's actually it's everyone else I don't like for making me doubt myself.
This has never happened to me before, ever. I have never doubted myself as a person and as an individual. Now, I have no one to share myself with. I have no one that I feel close enough to to talk to and play with and fight with. My friends are becoming stereotypical in my eyes, and I think that is because I am too friendly. It's like a movie. There's the jock and the ditz and the kid who thinks he's black and the don Juan and the nerds and the twin and the list goes on. It's becomming quite claustrophobic.
I don't feel lonely anymore. I don't cry anymore over people that don't deserve to be cried over. There is a part of me that's missing though, and I think that left me when he left me. He stole my energy and radiance and light. And those are the products of my personality. I'm lacking an outcome.
What I need now is the super-friend, for lack of a better term. I've already picked this person out. I just think that this person sees me as another retard teenager. But I need this person because I've already come to depend on the person, and I've become quite attached although this person may not know.
Also, I need my brother (Hi Dom!) I know you read this, it's no secret, so post me some brotherly love sometime, eh? I miss you so much I don't think you could ever know. At Easter, I really was VERY upset with you because you didn't come home. I'd gotten all excited when Mom said that you were coming and then you didn't. It crushed me. I depend on you in so many invisible ways that it's difficult to not see or not hear your voice or not get kicked in the thigh to the ground. I know I'm not yours, but you are my best friend. I love you more than anyone on this entire planet and I don't even know what your favorite color is. I hate being in your room now because it isn't yours now, and I have nothing to remind me of you. Ever since we were little, I always loved Christmas and Easter at Granny's because that gave me a legitimate excuse to sit next to you for more than 20 minutes and talk to you like the dumb fool that I am. I mean it when I tell you to come home. I'm not just joking. And just the other day I confessed to Mom that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you ever moved more than an hour and a half away, because I'd probably never ever see you. Knowing me, I'd probably just follow you where ever you go. I hate how now I actually feel the age difference between the two of us, and it's not like we're just two smart ass little kids anymore. I hate being this only child, I HATE it. It's just so hard for you to be gone when I've known you for 15 years.
Ok, getting on with it...
I can't write anymore. I just can't bring myself to it. It won't come. I feel lost with out my pen and the golden trimmed paper, but there's no map made for getting back after getting lost along the way. I need a medium to express myself with, but I just can't find it. It's so hard.
I've never felt so normal in my life.
I don't want ot be normal.
I hate normal. Really.
I've never been normal and I'm not taking to it.
I have never felt so lost.
