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The bad kind.
Mar. 10th, 2003 05:55 pmI just got in a tiff with my father. It wasn't bad or anything like that; it wasn't even a really fight. I haven't gotten into a mentionable fight since before Purdue Jazz, which was around January 18. Now that he and I had this... thing, I have this flooding nostalgia, the bad kind, which feels like it was from years upon years ago but it was only so few months ago. I feel like I could cry. I'd hate to slip again; there's no one to catch me this time.
The "fight" made me think of him. How he saved me. How my admitting that nothing heals me like he does further distanced him from me. I miss his presence. I envy his sister because she's naturally close to him. I envy his teddy bear for the obvious reasons.
If I could, I'd still be his shampoo, his quilt, his pen, his class, his spell, his blinds, and his home. And so much more.
I don't even know his phone number anymore.
My mother keeps asking about him; he's the one she likes.
But I don't want to be his.
I don't want him to be mine.
With him, it was a need; it still is. He is one think that keeps me going on. He's someone who'll always be or pretend to be proud of me. He'll never deny me. If he were to die, it'd kill me. He made that claim before I.
I do love him.
But now, I don't want to need.
I don't want to fall in love.
I don't want to commit head-on.
I just want to want. You know: the thrill of the chase. At least the girls know what I'm talking about.
I want a "nice" relationship.
"They look so nice together."
"They're so nice for each other."
"What a nice couple."
"Nice ass, hun."
"That's nice, Laura."
Nice.
I don't know this particular one that well, but we're aquainted. Today, I introduced Lindsay to a photo of him. She approved. I honestly thought she wouldn't. That's a good sign. I told her about his flaws; I worry so much about his flaws. His flaws, his superiority complexes, his egotisms. I fear that he is one that I am not good enough for. There is no room for my being too good for him. Lindsay said that he could be good for me, because "not to be taken offensively, Laura" I always have to be the "alpha female." He could be a new perspective.
Honestly, I still don't think that I have a chance.
I wonder sometimes how the world looks at me, what everyone thinks of me.
Do me a favor if you read this and know me: anonymously make a post telling me how you see me. Your likes and dislikes of me.
For perspective.
Be well.
*achoo!*
The "fight" made me think of him. How he saved me. How my admitting that nothing heals me like he does further distanced him from me. I miss his presence. I envy his sister because she's naturally close to him. I envy his teddy bear for the obvious reasons.
If I could, I'd still be his shampoo, his quilt, his pen, his class, his spell, his blinds, and his home. And so much more.
I don't even know his phone number anymore.
My mother keeps asking about him; he's the one she likes.
But I don't want to be his.
I don't want him to be mine.
With him, it was a need; it still is. He is one think that keeps me going on. He's someone who'll always be or pretend to be proud of me. He'll never deny me. If he were to die, it'd kill me. He made that claim before I.
I do love him.
But now, I don't want to need.
I don't want to fall in love.
I don't want to commit head-on.
I just want to want. You know: the thrill of the chase. At least the girls know what I'm talking about.
I want a "nice" relationship.
"They look so nice together."
"They're so nice for each other."
"What a nice couple."
"Nice ass, hun."
"That's nice, Laura."
Nice.
I don't know this particular one that well, but we're aquainted. Today, I introduced Lindsay to a photo of him. She approved. I honestly thought she wouldn't. That's a good sign. I told her about his flaws; I worry so much about his flaws. His flaws, his superiority complexes, his egotisms. I fear that he is one that I am not good enough for. There is no room for my being too good for him. Lindsay said that he could be good for me, because "not to be taken offensively, Laura" I always have to be the "alpha female." He could be a new perspective.
Honestly, I still don't think that I have a chance.
I wonder sometimes how the world looks at me, what everyone thinks of me.
Do me a favor if you read this and know me: anonymously make a post telling me how you see me. Your likes and dislikes of me.
For perspective.
Be well.
*achoo!*
