It's just bad news

NEW SN

BoilrUpButtercup

please IM me so I can add you, I could use some updated SNs from people.

:)

I'm still upset with a boy I love dearly because he promised me he'd be there for me. That night my mother made me bleed from the inside out, he was too busy to talk. There were people, maybe a party. He broke my heart for the second time that day.

I'm upset that anyone would think that I lied to them. I do not lie. I just don't.

I'm upset that either A.) Valpo sucks so much and/or B.) I'm so lowly regarded as anyone's friend. I've seen so many of waste away in front of me, I've seen you play your roles either good or bad, and I've seen you grow to be too good for me. Screw that.

I'm rather teary right now because a dear once-close friend of mine is letting herself slip away. It happened before in a different way, but now it's worse because she's supposed to have learned already. She can fuck up the rest of her life and there's nothing I can do about it.

The only reason I feel this way, these ways, with such strong bouts of anger, sadness, and disappointment, is because I love everyone. I care about everyone. I really don't know if you can understand that. I am an incredibly compassionate person, and I get walked all over because of it. I could say that I'm sick of it, but I'm not going to beg for you. I cannot be not compassionate. I fucking care.

I wish I could give up, but I can't.

I finally feel solid.
I thought you all should know, whoever reads this.

I finally feel like a confident, bright, personable young woman.

I've realized that most everything I'm afraid of deals with time. Things with age, counting, waiting, the past, the future. Time is such a concept.

Yes.

It is the right moment.
It has always been, will always be, the right moment.

If I know you, I care for you. All equally, but not the same.

Such a concept.



PS to Mr. "Anonymous": You shouldn't want to look like anyone but you. Do you even realize how absolutely downright handsome you are? Take a good look in the mirror.

PPS You're invited to my open house if you're reading this.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
1 PM to 5 PM or whenever
906 Martinal
email me for directions or info or mindless banter.

So. 20 Things.

1. When I was little, I always wished I was a boy. Somtimes, I still do.

2. I have a crush on a girl, but I seriously AM 100% straight. I could never have sex with a girl. Gross.

3. I'm a virgin.

4. I want to start a family as soon as I'm married. As soon as possible.

5. My first kiss was under a bridge. In his mom's car. I was 15. He was a senior.

6. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I'm 12. I get confused and disoriented, and then I cry a lot. About everything.

7. I never thought I'd make it to graduation.

8. I really am an asshole to my mother. And often times, fairly, she's an asshole to me. I love her.

9. My first date was in the fourth grade with Andy Beimler. We went roller skating. I was mean to him.

10. I've never been to band camp.

11. Honestly, if Mr. P. were 30 years younger, I'd be all over him. Especially if he had those hot plaid pants.

12. I want four kids.

13. I want to have lots of money. I won't deny that. I want to save it. But I have some serious money management to work on.

14. I am in love, and I mean in love, with Spain. In love with it. I want to marry it.

15. Oh, there was that time I broke Tony Errichiello's finger with my dinosaur egg.

16. I know all of the words to "Mmmbop," bitches.

17. I hope that I never ever belong to another organization as stellar as the 2004 "A" Band. I hated this year, especially compared to last year.

18. My favorite letter is M.

19. I'm scared of people dying. I'm paranoid of it. And last year, I was paranoid of Libby Byrum. I never even met the girl and every time I saw her, I imagined her killing me. Yeah.

20. Mental illness runs in the family.

Everyone, not just seniors, I'm making a little book of people. It has a short little questionare, and I want to put a picture of everyone next to their responses. PLEASE bring in a picture (any kind, really) of yourself and be excited to be apart of my colorful book!

Thank you!

Tonight was amazing. Everyone. Wow. I never thought it could run so smoothly. I love this. I'm somewhat delirious at the moment. Wow.

Fuckin' wow.

She says she hates me because I act like my Uncle Tim.

That's bull, because I act exactly like the people who raised me.

I haven't updated for eight days, which is a feat for me.

To everyone, another general apology for the ways that I am, from me. Things just aren't right. My mind isn't right, these people aren't right, nothing's quite right. Things keep happening that keep throwing me off right after I'll make my recovery, and it just pushes me farther and farther down.

You know those faraway looks I get? It's because I'm always thinking or worrying about something. Conseqences and hypotheticals are always playing at the picture show. Reruns, too.

I really wish that I knew what turns you off from me. I don't push people away, but rather, they never approach. I feel lonely when no one calls or talks to me, or invites me places, or wants to hang out, or forgets, or doesn't talk to me in passing, or say good morning or nod when I do.

It's the worst when you really love someone, and he can't be there when you need him the most at that given moment, or even within the following two hours. Or that you can't call her because you wouldn't want to upset her with your own troubles. These things can break anyone in two.

I say things. And it seems that everyone thinks that I say things to be mean, but I say things out of honesty. We live in such an egocentric world, and everyone takes everything so personally.

I give my love everyday.

No one will ever break this spirit of mine.

How about this:

I am who I am. Don't ridicule me for it. I'm not going to go around changing people or shutting people up simply because I don't like what they have to say.

I'm not stupid. I'm not a retard. I am not a moron. Why do you think that I buy all of your lies? Some of you have absolutely amazing facades. For this, I commend you. But I can tell. It's in your voices and in your eyes. I can tell because you lie to me.

It takes one to know one.
But I don't lie anymore.
That's a lie.

Maybe it's moments like this, when I actually say something about it, that fuck up my chances. That would be cutely ironic. What a freak. What the fuck is she talking about? Maybe I'm paranoid. At least I admit that much. But there are many things that do or do not apply to certain people.

I have wanted to either cry or beat something in really good since about 3 o'clock today. All it takes is that one little glimpse into a lie.

I have respect for you.
Have a little for me.

Thanks!